• Love Has Changed Her Address

     


    Dear X,

    I may have sabotaged our relationship.

    Not willingly, but a series of events led to this unwilling situation that I have led us into. I recall how we used to talk, text, and laugh, oh wait, we didn’t used to talk at first. We were casual acquaintances and we’d say hello once in a while. I remember you used to say that you were sometimes intimidated by my sparkly, over-the-top aura. Who doesn’t like sparkly?

    I’m sorry, this is supposed to be a sober note.

    Our friendship was one of the best things ever. It helped me so many times and all your sometimes wise words, put things in perspective for me. The right perspective. It is hard to find a friendship like that today. And when I think of how I let such slip through my small hands, I bite my lower lip in regret. I suppose that you were right when you said, that friendship extends beyond the physical location. I had reasons, reasons that when I think about them now, they look and sound very stupid. I suppose that my biggest enemy and sometimes ally was fear.

    Now you ask, what were you afraid of?

    I was afraid of so many things. I was afraid of how quickly we had crossed the line from being just friends to something that had no definition. We weren’t a thing, but it felt like we were. I didn’t think I was ready for that, or was I? How do you step into the unknown without a map or a compass? I was afraid of crossing that line with you. I didn’t feel enough for you. I didn’t feel like my sparkly, bubbly self would last for more than a minute. A relationship is so much work, and anytime you brought it up, I’d say that. It became my default answer. Maybe it’s why I feel alone in a sea of admirers.

    I was afraid that if I opened up my real self to people, they wouldn’t know how to deal with me. And I have acted so many roles that I don’t know which is the real me. Don’t get me wrong, the roles are fragments of the real me, but they have assumed identities of their own, alter egos birthed out of fear, boredom, and plain old goofiness. People have fears of objects, and reasonable stuff, I am afraid of the human emotionality. Lol.

    And so, when we couldn’t see each other as often as we used to, I slowly withdrew. I didn’t do it deliberately, or maybe I did, I do not know anymore. The calls dwindled to a trickle, the texts became a monotonous cycle of hey, hi, and hello. I knew you were busy, but surely you weren’t too busy to say hello? That was what it felt like. And the few times that I’d reach out, you’d sound so excited and pleased and want to hear all my news and we’d talk about everyday stuff, and mundane things. I wanted more. I wanted you to ask me the questions I dreaded but was ready to answer because you were asking them. But you didn’t, and I couldn’t scream my frustrations into the phone. Goodbye wasn’t just a word, it became a finality.

    Maybe I am overreacting, maybe my Christmas spirit needs Johnnie Walker and some really cheesy music, Nicki does some great stuff for the soul, haha. But, I think writing you this note is great therapy. I feel lighter, and my fear-o-meter is broken. I love you, X, but I couldn’t let 2020 go on without writing out this stuff. I do hope you rescue us from further sabotage in 2021, this babe needs you, regardless of how sparkly she seems.

    Your sparkly boo,

    Peace.

     

     

    A friend of mine came up with the idea of writing a letter to specific people as a means of fast tracking the healing process that we all are going through after the year that we have had. And yes, we are going through a process that's an unorthodox form of healing, it really doesn't look like it, but we are. We have had to adjust in every way, and not many of us did that at 100% and so, some things suffered, others died, and most are at the breaking point.

    This letter is addressed to different people, and not to one person. So, to each his own, lol.

    How about you write a letter of your own?



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    2 comments:

    1. It felt like I was watching a movie... I could paint a mental picture out of each lines. Good Craft...

      ReplyDelete