Dear X,
I may have sabotaged our relationship.
Not willingly, but a series of events led to this
unwilling situation that I have led us into. I recall how we used to talk, text, and laugh, oh wait, we didn’t used to talk at first. We were casual
acquaintances and we’d say hello once in a while. I remember you used to say
that you were sometimes intimidated by my sparkly, over-the-top aura. Who
doesn’t like sparkly?
I’m sorry, this is supposed to be a sober note.
Our friendship was one of the best things ever. It
helped me so many times and all your sometimes wise words, put things in
perspective for me. The right perspective. It is hard to find a friendship like
that today. And when I think of how I let such slip through my small hands, I
bite my lower lip in regret. I suppose that you were right when you said, that
friendship extends beyond the physical location. I had reasons, reasons that
when I think about them now, they look and sound very stupid. I suppose that my
biggest enemy and sometimes ally was fear.
Now you ask, what were you afraid of?
I was afraid of so many things. I was afraid of how
quickly we had crossed the line from being just friends to something that had
no definition. We weren’t a thing, but it felt like we were. I didn’t think I
was ready for that, or was I? How do you step into the unknown without a map or a compass? I was afraid of crossing that line with you. I didn’t feel enough
for you. I didn’t feel like my sparkly, bubbly self would last for more than a
minute. A relationship is so much work, and anytime you brought it up, I’d say
that. It became my default answer. Maybe it’s why I feel alone in a sea of
admirers.
I was afraid that if I opened up my real self to
people, they wouldn’t know how to deal with me. And I have acted so many roles
that I don’t know which is the real me. Don’t get me wrong, the roles are
fragments of the real me, but they have assumed identities of their own, alter
egos birthed out of fear, boredom, and plain old goofiness. People have fears of
objects, and reasonable stuff, I am afraid of the human emotionality. Lol.
And so, when we couldn’t see each other as often as
we used to, I slowly withdrew. I didn’t do it deliberately, or maybe I did, I
do not know anymore. The calls dwindled to a trickle, the texts became a
monotonous cycle of hey, hi, and hello. I knew you were busy, but surely you
weren’t too busy to say hello? That was what it felt like. And the few times that
I’d reach out, you’d sound so excited and pleased and want to hear all my
news and we’d talk about everyday stuff, and mundane things. I wanted more. I
wanted you to ask me the questions I dreaded but was ready to answer because
you were asking them. But you didn’t, and I couldn’t scream my frustrations
into the phone. Goodbye wasn’t just a word, it became a finality.
Maybe I am overreacting, maybe my Christmas spirit
needs Johnnie Walker and some really cheesy music, Nicki does some great stuff
for the soul, haha. But, I think writing you this note is great therapy. I feel
lighter, and my fear-o-meter is broken. I love you, X, but I couldn’t let 2020
go on without writing out this stuff. I do hope you rescue us from further
sabotage in 2021, this babe needs you, regardless of how sparkly she seems.
Your sparkly boo,
Peace.
This letter is addressed to different people, and not to one person. So, to each his own, lol.
How about you write a letter of your own?
It felt like I was watching a movie... I could paint a mental picture out of each lines. Good Craft...
ReplyDeleteThank you so very much!
ReplyDelete